Destinys been bunkin off

shit i'm in trouble with Destinys school again. the headmaster hiself phoned me up!


I put on me posh voice and everythin - dont say anythin but Id totally do him if i had the chance. i mean im totally jamals girl an all, but phwarrr! plus ive seen the way he looks down me top when i wear that saucy number from new look.

Anyways, Destinys been bunkin off school again and got caught at er mates house with 10 cans of cider and a load of fags

i was livid with her - how dare she get er hands on all that booty and not bring it home to her mum! all i ad to drink all day was the vodca i found under orlandos bed.

The head said if she doesn't buck her ideas up I'll end up in jail cause kids arent allowed to just wonder around la di dah, but you try gettin her to do anything. i even told er id get her fags for her out me own pocket instead of her having to rob them all the time, but nothin works.

i've even dragged her there me self sometimes. And me with me arthritis n all. Id do anythin for that girl

Bit fed up with the school to be honest cause they're more intrested in gettin me in to trouble than helping us out.

i mean it was bad enough when Orlando started playin up and the school had to get the police round when he burnt down the school jim. Poor sod ated school, so i let him stay home with me. He loved looking after is mum and learned loads of stuff like how to roll a fag and how to hide from the social n all. Poor sod dont want to go to scool on account of his dislexicon.

Whats wrong with letting your kids have a week off or so if they dont fancy it? People do it with work so why cant kids have the same chance?

i wanted the kids to get speshal teachers to come to the house but the scool said no and that if i didnt sent the kids theyd have to take me to court.

Been to that place so many times the bloody resepshonist nows me name and me bra size!

Last time they told me i was an unfit mum and it wasnt fittin for kids to be off drinkin when they should be educatin. But whats Destiny need educatin for when shes gonna have babies and get her coucil house for? Waste of bloody time

I want me kids to grow up happy and if that means going round her mates and gettin drunk then thats what my baby deserves.

I told destiny that mam mite have to go to prison if she doesnt go to school but she just laughs and blames the school! Spose shes right acshully.

I mite try bribing her with mcdonalds next. or one of them stuffed pizzas, she loves them. or i could just go round the school an get me tits out for the head!

Dancin for me man

Last nite Jamal came round, said he couldnt stay so I played me trump card.  Got my fake leather boots on with the 9 inch heels and nothing else under my dressing gown apart from me belly ring, but you cant really see that.

As he got up to leave I dropped the dressing gown.  The look on his face was amazin, he sat back down. I put on my Kylie CD. I like that spinning around song and I did my stuff, bit of dancing like they do on that film that Demi More was in. Was it Shogirls?  Then I sent the kids to bed, forgot they were there. oops

I was like a vixen I was. He couldnt get enough. I told him not to touch, specially when I rubbed me boobs in his face.  Anyways, just as it got to the next song there were this banging on the wall.  That cow next door hammering away shouting.

I'd had enough, I put me dressing gown back on and marched round there, I gave er wot for. I gave her some slaps upside her head.  Jamal had to come round and drag me off her. It were funny cos he was only in his pants and I was starkers under me dressing gown.

The cow next door threateneed to tell the police but Jamal said hed go over later for a chat.  Chat about wot.  He said I hadn't heard right and hed said she were fat.

Anyways he stayed overnight, me plan worked.  We ate cheesy wotsits and watched Dirty Dancin.  Jamal says he wants to be my Patrick Sways.  I said Id like him to do that lift thing.  He said it werent Britains Strongest Man. Hes funny my Jamal.

My favrit photo - BOGOF

Someone on Twit told me that if I did Sticky Fingers Galrey itd make me poplar and get me more free stuff. Seein as I got nowt better to than wait for Jeremy Kyle to start i thought id giveit a go.

Sometimes Jamal can be right romantic. Last week when he were down the Coop he sent me this.  My bestest snack in a buy one get one free offer. Cant get better than that, not even if it were spam fritters.

This is my favorit photo. He brought me three packs back.

Review, tuna (39p)

Ive been feelin a bit jumpy as I hadn’t written this review up yet and I meant to do it ages ago after everyone was so nice about my review of gravy.

But I have to go and catch the bus in a bit to pick up Baby Candice Junior off the foster carer she has been with since when I left her up the hospital yesterday. Aww bless her, anyway the foster carer loves her to bits so she won’t mind another half an hour or so, lol. And she wanted to watch hollyoaks. I hope u wont be too worried about me and baby Candice jr - I can sky Plus hollyoaks, but I do need to beack in time for don’t forget the lyrix.

I would of written this up today but Orlando and Destiny went and spewed, they ate all my Rustlers burgers while me and jamal were up the hospital having my ass seen to (makes a change lol) but thing is they never bloody cooked them. And to top it all yesterday Destinys teacher rang as she had been bunking off (Destiny not her teacher lol) and they’d found her in the kentukcy. I know she has been dying to get back in there since she had that incident with the toilet brush but one lot of campalobacter in the one day is enough for anyone.  So Ive sent her out for some fags while I write this up, hope she doesn’t shit herself again on the way back. There are only so many gussets a mummy can turn inside out.

Talking of gussets, better get back to the tuna, LOL.

My review is of Netto tuna. I like Netto because Fergie, the Princess of Wales, shops there. I saw her on the telly, she was kind (and not half as fat as she used to be but still a bit mad) and went to netto for this family and told them not to be such fat bastards. After six weeks they were still fat bastards but they had some nice clothes and they had their hair done so their faces didn’t look so fat. The woman had hairy legs though, but at least they weren’t grey like the ones on jamals back.

I also wanted to write about this tuna as its a bit special and is 1p dearer than the asda (chavsda lol) version. You have to push the boat out sometimes, don’t you. I saved the penny in our jar for when me granddad comes round, hes saving for some vigara, what with me nan being “away.”

My first impressiions of the tuna was that it had a blue tin. When you opened it it was a brown colour with some black bits in and it smelled like jamals fingers but not as bad as his ring.*

The thing is with tins you never no wot youll find,  me mate Gemmas auntie opened some tomatos once and they were all wrapped in condoms but then once I found a dead spider in destinys ready brek so its not just tins. I hope Im not poisoned by the tuna as you can get a disease and die from tuna, next time jamal can try it.

The tuna tasted ok I suppose and not like I was going to be pioisoned lol, I put loads of vinegar on and mashed up a pickled egg in it after I nicked them from the chippy.  I gave some to the kids with a broken jammy dodger for their pudding, it was a nice meal and Id give it 4 stars out of 5.  (It lost one cos of the smell.) Ive saved some for tomorrow too, so it is good value, serving three of us and the cat twice. I didn’t give any to jamal, I think he had his fill at number 9.

 (*Um, the one he dropped down the drain the other week, careless bastard, bet his hands were slippy from number 9. ) 

Ingredients: tuna (fish) water salt

Allergy advice: fish

Its not like that ER you no

So yesterday, the abscess on me arse and my sceptic belly button were makin it really difficult to sit down let alone do anything else, and Jamal were getting annoyed.

I rang that NHF Helpline and they tole me to get down to casualty.

We left Destiny and Orlando at ome watchin Hollyoaks and took Baby Candice Junior with us. Jamal were bein really caring. When we got there the woman on the desk told me that there might be people filmin for a BBC Three show called Bizarre ER, she said if I didn't want to be filmed to let er no. I said yer wot? Katie Price didn't get to were she is by sayin no. Turns out they were right interested in me and wanted to film me.

Jamal said he'd go get Baby Candice Junior some Coke from the machine cos she were thirsty. He brought me back a Coke too and some cheesy wotzits.

The telly in the waiting room was on that Antique Roadshow. F*ck that I said and I went and got the remote from the lady and changed it to Xfactor. That Wagner is too funny LOL!!!

Anyways eventually they asked me to come through to a cubicle. It were too small for all of us so we left Baby Candice Junior in the waiting room cos she were asleep and Jamal came with me to hold my hand. The nurse said she needed to get some gloves and some stuff to look at me and left us for a bit. Jamal tried to get it on but was havin none of it. The BBC were filmin for gods sake.

When the nurse came back she said that Jamal would have to help so she could see my belly button, he had to hold one of my bellys up, it were right embarrassin but I waved at the camera and gave me best smile. Then she rolled me over to look at my arse. God job I'd shaved it yesterday, now that would have been embarrassin.

Jamal told the lady with the camera that he wanted his face all fuzzy like on Camera Police Akshun. He said because he had four warrants out for his arrest he didn't want to be famous like Peter Andre.

The nurse were right kind. She gave me some tablets and put a dressing on me arse, took me belly ring out and washed it then told me to go see me doctor next week.

Jamal forked out for a taxi on the way home then said he had to go cos he had to get his Mam a new microwave. I love im I do but I'm not sure there were any shops open at 10 o clock on a Sunday night.

Orlando and Destiny were fast asleep on the sofa, they'd eaten all me Rustlers burgers, the buggers.

I ad a right good sleep, Baby Candice Junior didn't wake me once. When I were eatin me breakfast, some lady rang from the social. Baby Candice Junior had been taken into care last night, she was found holding a bottle of coke in er pushchair at the hospital, and was wiv a temporary foster carer, could I go in for a meeting.

Bloody ell. I told her that the nurse had told me to put me feet up and I'd bob along tomorrow. She wasn't happy, but it’s the best I could do.

Child benfit

Whas all this stuff about child benfits about then?  That posh git David Cameroon better not stop my benefits or I'll be down the social givin them whats what.  

I ad to get Jamal to go down there cos they wouldn't believe that Baby Candice Junior was his.  Of course he wouldn't go so I had to tell his Mum.  He's dead scared of er and that got im down there. He had to borrow the bus fare, so I'm down on this weeks money a bit. 

He keeps goin on about blood tests and that.  I'm not avin no needle stuck in me to tell me who my daughter belongs to. She's mine an that's that.  And if he's trying to inply that I'm like that slag down the chippy whose with about three fellas at one time then I'll ave him.  I eard that she'll do anythin for a packet of fags.  They probly queue up.

I met this woman down the social whose got eight kids.  Eight!  She reckons its worth it cos you get loads of money for em all.  And the older ones look out for the younger ones while she goes down the bingo and all.  They gave er a big ouse as well.  If i ave some more kids maybe I'll get to move out of the flat and get a biggerer telly. I reckon its the mould in the bathroom that gives our Orlando his hackin cough.

Maybe Jamal would come and live with me and we could get married an stuff.  I'd wear one of them big pink dresses like Katie Price. I love er.

Treatin people right

Saw Jamal outside the chippy last night with that slag from next door.

I don't care how many kids she's got with him, I want her to get her stinkin hands off of him. Makes me sick to see her throwing herself at him like that in public.

 

He was sposed to be coming to mine and phoned to say he couldn't make it cause he had to meet his mate behind Tesco cause he had a load of knock off DVDs he could get his hands off.

 

And then I find him with that rough cow!

 

I should tell her that no one finds that much gut hangin over her jeans attractive. Well, that guy the works on the fish counter in Netto probably does but even she wouldn't go there.

 

So I told er to keep her thievin hands off me man and told her I'd report er to the social about that job she's got down at the club on a Saturday night.

 

It got a ugly and I had to slap er about a bit, but you've gotta fight for your man avent you?

 

He just stood there giving it the 'ras klat' and suckin is teeth. Said he didn't want either of us but I know he'll be round later when he realises what hes lost.

I told Orlando on the way home, youve got to fight for what you believe in and don't let any fat cow stand in your way.

 

He was a bit quiet. Think he didnt like me pulling her hair or callin Jamal a sh*t head.

 

Still we stopped at the chippy on the way home and shared a saveloy between us. I spoil that boy I do